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Wednesday, 27 December 2017

A look at the year that was 2017

So Zoe used these questions, to look back on her year. They're pretty great, so I'm totally making use of them :p


WHAT’S BEEN THE BEST AND WHY?

1. What are you most proud in terms of what you achieved, accomplished or brought into being this year – in life and work?

The biggest thing is that I made it another year with keeping K all good, healthy and happy.

Aside from that, I finished my thesis. Which was all kinds of scary, and is quite surreal actually...it's so so strange to me that I actually got it done.

Another thing was getting the group together that makes our #Fab5. While Zoe, was the only one who did all 30 days of yoga the group became and is so so much more than what it started out as being. I'm a very, very lucky fish to have these great women in my life.

2. What did these achievements or actions in turn make possible – for you, your family, your organisation, your financial situation, and your health and well-being, for others? Why did they matter so much to you?

Well, happy, healthy kid just makes everything easier...so ummm it made it possible for me to focus on my thesis?

The thesis mattered so much because I'd tried that M thing before and it didn't go well. So you know getting it done this time moved that enormous sense of failure to the either. It's also meant that I need to really challenge the way I see myself. Which is not an easy thing at all.

In terms of the group, it's given me belonging, fitting in. And as mentioned before, my sense of self has been challenged by it.

3. What makes your heart warm just to think about it today?

Hugs, seeing the group, and actually finishing my thesis.


WHAT’S BEEN THE HARDEST?

4. What event or experience represented the “worst” of the year, and why exactly?

My thesis - yes, I know I said it was a good thing, but it also represents the supervisor struggles. And so so much of my self doubt and impostor syndrome. I'm still waiting for my mark, and am convinced it's a failure of beyond epic proportions, it's going to prove true what I've always know. Additionally, things around it and around writing it up half opened my eyes to a lot of things I put up with from some in the name of friendship. 

5. What action(s) did you take that you want to eradicate from your behaviour forever?

Therapy. Always therapy to help me figure out how to do things better. Well therapy and the right people. The right people make all the difference.

6. What makes you feel ashamed and “less than,” or even toxic to others?

I hope that I'm not toxic to anyone. The less than is hard to answer, because my default tends towards being less than. It shades everything I do and how I interact with others. So whenever things go odd, it's my fault...which is not ideal. Shame comes from not handling things with others in the way that's best for them.

7. What brings tears of unhappiness and feelings of shame when you think about it?

The way I speak to myself/think about myself. How I let people who are supposed to be friends treat me in ways that I don't deserve, because I think of myself as less than/unworthy. That I just couldn't make eating better and exercise stick...it then keeps on feeding into the never ending cycle of "not enoughness" that is me.


WHAT DO YOU WANT TO ACCENTUATE AND AMPLIFY IN YOUR LIFE NEXT YEAR?

8. What outcomes or achievements do you want to build on next year?

Totally want to build on/keep the happy and healthy Keiden thing going. Build on from the thesis into a PhD, some article, getting an academic career going. Do better by Jerall, and my people.

Next year is to be the year of positive transformation - mentally and physically.

9. What parts of yourself do you wish to expand and strengthen, and let out in the world?

Ummm, caring in a way that doesn't hurt me. Kindness not tempered by my cynicism would be a great thing to do too.

10. What role models and supportive people do you want to connect with more deeply?




My therapist and my people. 

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